The Four Ps of Broken Sexual Boundaries

I was around 20 years old. We were both Christians. She was beautiful and I was smitten when I realized she liked me. Soon we were making plans for marriage.

We spent a lot of time together. Here is the progression of how things went bad; from innocent to immoral but that wasn’t the intention. First hands touch, then holding hands, then hugs, and somewhere in there comes that first electric kiss.
 

The first kiss is simple and short but as time goes on they linger. During this time, hands begin to caress the body.
 

So the day came: we were alone at my house, kissing and caressing on the couch. Soon my hands went places that should be reserved for a married couple. We went to my bedroom.
 

That changed everything. That now defined our time together. We may have gotten together to go to church or do ministry but we always ended up in the same place we went that day. Sadly but thankfully our relationship fell apart after a short time of this.
 

It took many years for me to come to grips with what happened. It seems like denial to say that I never had an intention for things to go where they did. What kind of deception came about that allowed it to happen and then to continue? At what point in the kissing, etc., did sin begin? As some would say, “How far was too far?”
 

My point in all of this is to show that good intentions or lack of bad intentions were not enough to protect us. We started down a pathway that was like a boulder rolling down a hill. It’s a path that is good in marriage but not outside of it.
 

After many years, I came to understand how things ended up where they did. Here are the Four Ps that I think explain it: Proximity, Privacy, Passion, and Progression.
 

• Proximity is being physically present with someone. 
• Privacy is being somewhere where you are alone and it’s not likely that someone will see what you are doing. 
• Passion usually results from physical contact: kissing, caressing, etc and the motor starts running and picking up speed. 
• Progression is the God designed path that begins with touch and ends with intercourse.

 

Proximity alone is not bad. When you like someone, you want to be near them. Privacy alone is not always bad. A phone call is private and the corner of a coffee shop can be private. When you put the two together things can change. If a relationship does not include physical touch then proximity and privacy would not be a problem but in most relationships there is touch. Passion and progression are also closely linked. In a dating relationship, physical touch leads to passion and passion brings progression.
 

If you recall my story, you can see the Four Ps in action and this is where "boundaries" usually break down. Passion is a very hard thing to control. In marriage, you can let passion flourish and progress to the end, which is sexual intercourse. In dating, the common question is "How far can we go?" That presents a problem. It's like racing to the edge of a cliff and slamming on the brakes hoping not to go over the edge. The honest admission would be to acknowledge that we like the feeling of intimate stimulation and want to experience it at deeper levels. The problem of progression also shows up here. In the beginning, holding hands was amazing but after you have kissed passionately, just holding hands is not quite the same. When you are together in a private place, you pick up where you left off and move a little closer to intercourse each time. Without intending to cross your "boundaries", you end up going over the edge.
 

While our intention may not be bad, I think we need to realize how prone to sin and deception we are. We want to believe that we can do certain passionate things in private and not end up in trouble. A big problem is that it feels good and a feeling of closeness can soon turn into sexual stimulation. That wonderful feeling is great in marriage but outside of that we are playing with fire.
 

If you find yourself resistant to these ideas consider if you might be leaving room to slip up. I heard someone say that he and his girlfriend were trying not to have sex yet they continued to go down the same path. They gave opportunity for failure. Another problem is alcohol or recreational drugs as that almost guarantees bad judgment and results.
 

I think the only completely safe boundary when engaging in touch is avoiding proximity and privacy together. I'm not talking about the privacy of a phone call or the corner of the coffee shop but the kind where you are alone and it’s not likely that someone will see what you are doing. Now if you are just holding hands that may be different but once you start kissing and caressing the danger becomes real. I tell you from experience that you can quickly become blinded by deception when certain things are done. Don’t take the chance. As I look back, if I had known and followed that advice a lot of heartache could have been avoided.

I would appreciate your thoughts and input.
 
A PDF for sharing:

https://bit.ly/4TheFourPs

 

Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking - Review

I quit smoking cigarettes when I was 17 years old. It was the cough in the morning that convinced me it was a good idea to stop. That said, around the same time I began smoking marijuana every day. One vice traded for another. About a year later I became a Christian and was freed from marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs.

Some time ago on a podcast I heard of Allen Carr and a book he wrote about quitting drinking. It sounded like an interesting concept and method. I looked at the library and put a hold on this book about cigarettes and the one about quitting drinking. This one came available first. I can say that if I was addicted to cigarettes I think this book could be a lifesaver. It has helped many people. I’m looking forward to reading the one about drinking. I have wondered how it will be different from the smoking one.

Have you heard of Allen Carr and his books? I would like to hear from you if so. Also, if you smoke cigarettes this might be a help for you.

 Here is a link to the book:

 Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking

 

The Death of Expertise: The Campaign Against Established Knowledge and Why it Matters by Tom Nichols - Review

I haven't read the complete book yet but it is on my list. I read a Blinkist summary of it over the last two days and have found it fascinating especially in these crazy COVID-19 days. I think you might find the following interesting.

The Death of Expertise: The Campaign Against Established Knowledge and Why it Matters by Tom Nichols

Here are some quotes from the summary:

"Although disagreements about expertise are nothing new, they have been increasing in the internet age. The internet makes it possible to find a source to support any opinion under the sun, no matter how outrageously unscientific it might be, and it also has people feeling more empowered than ever to voice their opinions. Once people start ganging up and attacking established knowledge, years of scientific progress are endangered and people’s lives can be put at risk."

"We have human traits that can make us believe a false argument. With an infinite amount of information just waiting to be scrolled through, countless people are joining debates on everything from Batman movies to theoretical science. Having no formal education on a subject does nothing to weaken people’s confidence in their ability to read a few articles and believe they have a full grasp of a subject."

"This makes a great deal of online conversations painful to read, but it’s important to note that both experts and laypeople are prone to many of the same biases inherent to human nature. Take the Dunning-Kruger effect. In 1999, Cornell University psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger revealed that having less skill at a specific task can make someone less likely to recognize their own incompetence. This is due to a lack of metacognition, which is the awareness of our own thought processes and the trait that allows someone to recognize their limitations. Lack of metacognition could be the root cause of why people are so adamant that they know what they’re talking about, even when it’s clear to others that their thinking is radically off course."

"Another human trait that can steer us in the wrong direction is our tendency to only seek out and pay attention to information that agrees with what we already believe. This is known as confirmation bias. If you grew up being told that left-handed people are all agents of evil, you could then find police reports of every southpaw that committed a crime and point to these documents as proof. Meanwhile, you can dismiss every account of empathetic or philanthropic lefties as an exception or part of a conspiracy to throw off the unsuspecting public."

"The internet is a tremendous tool for researchers and journalists, but it can easily lead you astray if you don’t know how to double-check your facts. This problem is compounded by the fact that so many people are influenced by their confirmation bias and use the internet to reinforce their preconceived notions. For many, the internet is not a tool for finding facts and seeking out the truth, it’s a web of lies that readers are happy to remain stuck in."

"Being a reporter used to imply a certain amount of experience and a specific set of journalistic standards, but the internet has given anyone with a computer the ability to launch a news site and build readership. Since the turn of the century, the number of news sources on the internet has steadily increased. On the web, revenue is determined by interactivity. So, to make a profit, websites publish stories that are designed to be clickable and shareable. And internet users have shown a clear preference for entertainment news and articles that confirm their beliefs."

"Another common mistake on the part of experts is to make predictions. A scientist's job essentially involves explaining things that have already taken place or are currently happening. But reporters and curious minds love to ask scientists to make predictions, often with the intent of enabling people to prepare for what’s to come. But even the most educated expert can fail miserably when it comes to predicting the future."

If this made you want to read more, get your copy here:
The Death of Expertise: The Campaign Against Established Knowledge and Why it Matters

Here is where you can get the Blinkist summary: 
The Death of Expertise: The Campaign Against Established Knowledge and Why it Matters

Plustek Photo Scanner - ephoto Z30 - Review

Plustek Photo Scanner - ephoto Z30

Envelopes of old photographs. Falling apart albums of old photographs. Boxes of old photographs. They sit on shelves and in closets. Precious and irreplaceable memories in danger of being lost.

One of my projects during this extra time I have had at home is to begin the process of digitizing our old photographs. Most are of our family and children but then there are some of my parents wedding and their early years. There is an envelope of pictures when I was a child. It has been so fun to go through these old memories and then to be able to share them with the kids and other people who are included in them.

The process has been made so simple by the scanner I found and bought. I did a lot of research to find something that would make the process of scanning thousands of photographs an easy process. As I contemplated the purchase I kept wondering if the claims were too good to be true. Would it really work as fast and easy as they showed. What about the software to capture and save the images? I have been more than amazed and satisfied. The scans happen as fast as I can feed the photos through and the software has been flawless.

If you have old photos laying around then this might be your opportunity to make sure that those memories can be preserved and shared.

Here is what I bought: Plustek Photo Scanner - ephoto Z30


Here is a video that shows how easy it is to operate: