Afraid of Intimacy

We are natural loners who have recognized the dangers of isolation and are determined to escape them. This is a line from the reading we do at a meeting of the Samson Society. It's something I recognize about myself. Movies many times dramatize the loner; the tough guy who does it his way and doesn't need other people. As a Christian man I know it's not a good thing so I fight to change.

A subject of discussion at my Samson meeting last night was intimacy. I recognized something about myself and I think it's connected to being a loner: I am afraid of intimacy. It's something I crave but fear keeps it away.

Why would someone want to be my friend or be close to me? That's something I hear in my mind regularly. I think the fear of intimacy causes me to hold people at a distance. Or maybe it's the fear of rejection.

This isn't one of those stories where I talk about how I was and how it was fixed. It's one where I reveal where I am broken. No fix in sight.

When there is distance between me and others or even between my wife and I, I don't know how to fix it. The result is usually a widening gulf. Sometimes it gets fixed, sometimes not. As I think about it, if people move toward me I can relate to them but I have a hard time being the initiator. I hear and read about how to make relationships better but those skills continue to elude me. As you can guess, it doesn't usually end well.

So that’s what’s on my mind and this is my confessional.

Philip