Sunday, March 25, 2012

October Baby

The first thing I should say is this isn't a review of the movie October Baby. It is what is happening to me after I saw the movie.

I saw it twice this weekend. Once was an earthquake and the other a tsunami.

To back up, the soil of my life was tilled up earlier in the day Friday before I saw the movie the first time. I am a member of the Samson Society and have been for over four years. One of the distinctives of the society is that we walk with another man in what we call a Silas relationship. It's not an accountability relationship but an opportunity for self-disclosure.

Another distinctive of the society is that everything said in a meeting or in the Silas relationship is held in strictest confidence. You can bare your soul and it's not going to get spread around. It's an opportunity to peel off layers and to practice confession. It's a safe place.

Some misunderstanding people see it as a place of secrets but it is really a place where the deepest truths can be told. Once that is done there is room for healing, growth, reconciliation, restitution, and restoration.

So back to Friday: I met with my Silas for some deep work. There were some things I needed to reveal to him. It was the most shameful part of my past. It is the kind of thing that would bring an end to most friendships. I feared that once he knew the truth about me it would change everything - in a bad way.

But what I knew in theory needed to be learned in practice. It was an opportunity to see again what an amazing thing the Samson Society is and what transformation a Silas relationship can bring.

We are a group of men who realize our brokenness and that we can't fix ourselves. But we know that God wants to fix us as we walk in community.

So, I reveal myself to my friend and it is not the end. He isn't sitting on some high horse looking down on me. He is walking beside me as I move forward. The soil of my soul has been tilled and is awaiting new growth.

After talking for hours we were both empty of words. We had a few hours before the meeting that night so I suggested we go see October Baby. Nothing could have braced me for what was to come.

I was adopted at three months. Even so, I always felt I had a good home. I'm also heavily involved in the prolife movement. October Baby deals with abortion, adoption and also the dynamics of fatherhood and family life.

I can't even explain why but the movie tore through my soul - in a good way. There were probably many things that stirred in me but one that is particularly raw is the question of if I am wanted. Do people care if I exist? Could I go missing and no one would notice? I have always had problems in relationships, feeling like I am an imposition and that I am taking up time that someone doesn't want to give.

I saw the movie a second time on Saturday with my family. The devastation was far deeper than Friday. As I look at it I think I am seeing that I have a closed door on my emotions. It seems wrong to admit I have feelings. It feels wrong to express that I need someone or something from someone.

Recently I was trying to do the questionnaire to see what my love language is. I couldn't complete it because it seemed so imposing on someone else. I had to identify what I needed from someone. It seemed wrong and selfish.

So I close myself to others even when I know that is wrong or irrational. I have been fighting it but it's hard.

So October Baby tore me apart. I welcome it. I don't want to be what I am now. I am raw.


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