Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I Am Afraid

"I shouldn't be afraid." "You shouldn't be afraid. " "That's ridiculous, don't worry about it." "I feel ridiculous, I shouldn't worry about it." "I am afraid!"

The loud crash of thunder woke me up. It was around midnight and dark except for the flashes of lightning. Then the other sound began, the sound of hail. Then the thoughts began: car damage, roof damage, what if it breaks the window above me and water comes pouring in? I felt fearful and helpless.

I told God I was afraid and asked for his help. Would he prevent the actuality of these fears? Most of all I want my insides calmed. I want to trust in his care and goodness even if it doesn't stop, even if the hail gets bigger.

I feel wide awake now. Will I be able to get back to sleep?

I hear our dog Bandit in the other room. I know he is afraid and freaking out. The loud noises make him almost inconsolable. I feel sorry for him, a creature marred by the fall, yet "sinless." He too feels fear. I now wonder, does he have any communication with God? Does he ask for consolation? Or is it just up to us frail humans to offer help and an apology for our part in the fall of man that makes this kind of thing happen?

The hail slows down; the sound seems to be getting farther away. The thunder seems more distant. I fall back to sleep.

This morning I think about it and I want to write about it. I will tell everyone who cares to read about it of what I feel. God already knows but I want to break through the wall of admitting my emotions and fears to others. I risk some thinking or saying, "That's ridiculous." I don't care.